People are nice.

So yesterday I went to the Peachy Beach party in Kenton. It was a brave and spontaneous move on my part because I had been so afraid of going in the years before - something symptomatic of my damn anxiety. I chose to miss out on those nice things and have fun like everyone else. I decided this year that I was going and that I was going to have fun. The beach + friends + good music = obviously a great time. The beginning started off so well and I was well within the jollification. And then I had a panic attack.

This was only the second panic attack I have had this year and I thought I was getting better. I've been going to counselling and in general feeling a lot happier. I was sitting at a table with the friends I went with plus two strangers they had just met, and I got that horrible feeling of a throat gradually starting to close and the bursting need to cry. I put my drink down and went and found a deserted corner for myself, to calm down and to let the tears flow. I didn't think I was drawing much attention to myself as I hyperventilated and cried simultaneously in the dark corner with my back facing the crowds. My friends obviously hadn't noticed that I had left so I was left alone for quite some time, but this gave me time to gather myself. Two Mauritian-sounding boys came and offered me comfort and were generally just very nice to me. Then another girl came to help and she took me back to my friends after I had told them what had happened. For a moment I felt like a pathetic child but then I thought to myself: "You know what? You need this help right now. Don't push them away." When I got back to the table I left again because I was just so upset with myself. I sat on the side of the road and began to cry.

I was just so frustrated that this had happened when I thought I was comfortable in my own skin and beginning to get my happiness together again. I had ruined what could have been a very fun night, and I told my friends that I needed to go home. I feel like, now, I have been taken a few steps back in terms of my rehabilitation of being a happier person.

Anyways, I am okay now. I am still irritated but that will pass. I thankfully have a therapist who I can talk to about this and can try help me understand why this is all happening. I am, however, very thankful for those kind souls who took time out of their maring to see if I was okay. Some faith in humanity definitely restored.

All for now,

G.

#beach #party #happy #alcohol #fun #anxiety #panicattack #frustration #personalgrowth